AfricaAncient CitiesEuropeOverseas Travel AdviceTravel Notes

I miss but I don’t miss

Lying on the sofa, just hanging out, with the balcony open, feeling a breeze (I would have loved to start with “lying in the hammock”, but I still don’t have a hammock, which totally takes away the charm of having a balcony), but anyway… feeling a breeze and hearing the sound of the waves, I decided to look at some old photos on my cell phone. Ancient is a way of speaking. In digital times, this could mean the day before yesterday. I went down the camera roll. Not long ago (about five or six Sundays, maybe), I was at Aterro do Flamengo, which for 10 years was my backyard. I stopped at that image. The green lawn, the blue sky, the coconut trees, the Sugar Loaf Mountain in the background, Christ the Redeemer on the other side. Beautiful. Beautiful. And only. I didn’t feel anything else.

When I moved on to the next photos, also from Rio, I started to realize that all of that wasn’t awakening something that I thought it would. And maybe that’s why I was even avoiding reviewing photos. I thought it would hurt, make my throat ache, that I would feel an urge to be there, a doubt if I had made the right decision… It didn’t happen.

Like the blog page on Facebook!

Then I remembered this sentence that I put as the title of the text. I miss you, but I don’t miss you. I once saw Zeca Camargo, my traveling muse, say that in an interview or chronicle, I don’t remember. Nor do I remember what he was referring to, whether it was one of his trips around the world, the period he worked at MTV, his childhood in Minas Gerais (yes, we are countrymen from the state) or none of that. And it doesn’t matter. It matters that when I read that sentence, which I don’t even know if it’s his or it was a quote, a lot of things made sense in my life. That’s why I never forgot it.

I, who always had a crazy difficulty dealing with these issues of homesickness or lack or whatever. I kind of had to pretend not to feel anything because if I said or showed anything like that, it would look like I wanted to go back. And I didn’t. But I didn’t quite understand it myself. So many people said so much (and I still didn’t know how to filter), as if it were a very simple equation to solve. I suffered, I kept questioning myself… If I never wanted to go back, what fake nostalgia was that then? Did I really not feel it? Had I hardened too much? That he had no feelings?

miss x miss

Fact is, homesickness has always been part of my life every minute since I left home, but at the same time, I was always sure that I didn’t want to go back. And it took me a while to understand that it was possible for these two things to exist together. That’s when I read the sentence said by Zeca and a little light came on! That was it. I missed you, yes. Always, a lot. But I didn’t miss it, in the sense of not wanting to have it back. Because you can’t live the past again, right? People change, time changes, history will always be different. And I’m much more into wanting to know what the future will be like (hello, anxiety). In fact, neither of them exists and it’s all just an illusion that the present would be different, but that’s just me rambling…

I still can’t say for sure the difference between missing and missing, I’m not even sure if one hurts less than the other. Perhaps saudade is more abstract and lack is more concrete. But without value judgment. I think it depends on the person and the situation. In my life, in my story, it made sense that way.

My decisions were all very conscious, although also painful at some point, but I know that I lived what needed to be lived, I moved on and I will continue to move on. I look at the past, I see good things, but even when nostalgia hits (and there are times when it hits me without pity), that’s not where I am and, thank God or whoever, that’s not where, now, i wish i was! I feel like being close to people who are far away, but this is resolved as far as possible and it is a two-way street. If that desire is one day bigger than anything, I weigh the pros and cons, make my decision and deal with the consequences. Maybe I’m just a very practical person.

PS: Now thinking of songs to accompany the text, I thought of Nando, saying that “it’s good to look back and admire the life we ​​knew how to make”, or Lulu remembering that “nothing that was will be again the way it once was. day”. But I think Gonzaguinha describes it best. “And it’s so beautiful when we understand that we are so many people wherever we go. And it’s so beautiful when you feel like you’re never alone no matter how much you think you are. And it’s so beautiful when we go to life on the paths where the heart beats much stronger. That’s how I wanted it, and that’s how I’m happy.”

To read by listening:

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button